Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
