did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
