i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
