You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
