No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
