I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
