gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
