I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
