I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
