im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
