whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
