uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
