After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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