My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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