alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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