fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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