I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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