Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ladies don't puke and tell
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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