Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
