I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
