I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
