It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
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Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
