Sponge bath it is.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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