Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
