I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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