Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
