Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
