I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
