i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
