Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
