The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
