I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
