By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
