he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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