maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she told me i tasted like america
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
