I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He is an equal opportunity slut.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Randomize
