You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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