my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
