Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
