ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.