in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
