i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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