My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
