so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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