she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Blood and glitter go together right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
