I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Randomize
