just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
