The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I understand Curling. That high.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
