I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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