She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
