Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my liver is dry heaving
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
