Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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