i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
