threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
