I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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