so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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