I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
True strength comes from lack of pants
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
