Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Did I show you my penis last night?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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