you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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