I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
