Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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